In lieu of class today, I would like you to read the rough rough drafts of the writers on your team and post a comment here providing them with an initial response to their draft. (Basically, post a comment here to each writer, and make sure you make it clear in your comment who you’re writing to.)
First, tell them what you like so far about what they’ve written. What seems promising or interesting to you about their piece? Second, what questions do you have or could you pose about their piece? Include three questions that might help them evolve their argument as they continue to draft over the weekend. Last, identify at least one outside source that you think might provide them with a compelling appeal to extrinsic evidence and include it in your comment.
George:
ReplyDeleteI like what you have so far. The inclusion of statistics at the end of the paragraph is really powerful. Is there any way you could maybe move one of the statistics into your topic sentence or the sentence following? I think that could really help further grab the attention of your reader.
Your argument is clear. I was wondering:
1. How might you respond to the counter argument?
2. How does your topic relate to the public good?
3. What research could quiet backlash from people who say that 'if we have all this aid for hungry people, why should we care further?'
Possible source: http://www.bread.org/hunger/us/
Lauren: I think you have a good start to your argument. Your topic is effective because you are not only talking about homelessness, but also about a very specific health concern (needle sharing) that happens among the homeless. This allows you to focus on both general and focused research points.
1. Since the clean needle policy is so controversial, what piece of evidence do you think will help to best prove to the counter argument that this is a good policy?
2. How might homelessness relate to health and the public good?
3. What is it that you don't like about your topic? Maybe it is just a simple formatting thing, so you wouldn't necessarily have to throw out this initial idea.
Possible source: http://www.speakout.com/activism/issue_briefs/1352b-1.html
This source is a persuasive argument someone made about the needle exchange.
Clay I like this post so far, I am a part of the audience who was unaware of this movement, and the possible benefits of eating from local sources. I wonder why the prices of organic and local foods are more expensive than those that are shipped in from major food processing areas. I think that going into the benefits to the state’s economy and the health of our citizens would be a neat aspect of this paper to develop. What other groups, and businesses are moving towards this goal? What are the specific health benefits of local foods, and what are ways to get involved? I have heard that chipotle uses all organic food I wonder if their a chain that you could discuss as a popular alternative to unhealthy fast food.
ReplyDeleteGeorge- this is a really good start. The appeals to pathos in the beginning and the middle of the paragraph followed by the statistics and extrinsic proofs at the end of the paragraph together were effective. Because your piece talks about starving children, maybe extend the appeal to pathos throughout the entire piece.
ReplyDelete1. Are there specific communities were hunger is a problem among children?
2. What other groups, besides children are affected by hunger?
3. What are some of the solutions and actions being taken at this point?
Possible source- www.foodbankrockies.org/site/PageServer?...Hungerfacts
Skylar- this is looking good so far. I liked how you stared off by drawing a contrast between the healthiest state and an overlooked population. I also thought the animal analogy was an interesting way to think about it.
1. Statistics if you can find them regarding the obese population in
Colorado.
2. Current Legislation regarding healthy food initiatives.
3. Are there any specific groups that are more prone to obesity in Colorado?
Possible Source- http://www.denverpost.com/opinion/ci_16438971
Skylar - It looks like you have some great research questions to help make your paper fully developed. It looks as if you're confident in where your paper is heading and you seem to have a clear goal in mind. I really like your introduction. I'd caution you to make sure that you're not too vulnerable to a counter argument. While you address the counter argument briefly, I don't know that that's enough given the very low rate of obesity in Colorado. Maybe make people care about the issue by mentioning healthcare costs, etc....?
ReplyDeleteLauren - I like your introduction a lot. You get straight to the point while invigorating readers' interest. I can see how your second paragraph gets a little rough in terms of overall flow so I think it's kind of a good thing that you said you'll re-write it, but with that being said I like how you introduced needles as a commodity for the homeless. Very interesting!
Morgan- I felt that your blog post is very informative about bullying in schools and the effects of the policies built around this issue in schools. I've learned that this issue continues to exist in schools even though much money and time has been spent on trying to prevent bullying from existing in the first place. I felt that your use of statistics of dropouts was extremely well placed and useful to making the reader see and understand that this is a serious issue. I would recommend using more of these statistics, especially around the repercussions of bullies. Your argument is clear and well read, and I would just like to see more statistics for outside evidence (maybe wording of the bills?).
ReplyDeleteI really like the angle that our blog is taking. Were adressing the issues of health and the enviroment in denver and the greter colorado. Josh is writing a peice on medical marijuana. his stance is not quite yet decided but he has good ideas and it will surely evolve. Cam is writing on the enviromental subsidies that Colorado has in place, and the benefits that come from solar energy, and why he feels that is the best for Colorado. Mike is writing on the health care issue that is effecting denver, and the entire United States. His angle isn't quite yet decided, but I think he's opposing Obamacare. Finally I am adressing the benefits of local sustainable food.
ReplyDeleteAdam-you have a good start to your argument but here are a few things I think could help you as you finish your argument. First, you should focus on your audience more so that you can narrow down your overall argument and tailor your proofs to support it. I know you said you haven’t nailed down an audience yet. I think a good audience for you to consider is one that is already a volunteer or something about volunteering but doesn’t know how to signup or what kind of effect they can have by doing so. Your argument could be tailored to show them the positive done when we have supporting groups such as the coalition and the rescue mission. Put everyone in a commonplace by asking “Have you ever felt like helping someone because it makes you feel good?” Remember that most people don’t have a vivid enough image of homelessness so make sure to describe the situation. At that point most people feel the willingness to help those in need. That is why the “help children” or “help puppies” commercials are so effective. No one likes struggling children or puppies. All of this can help you when we bring everything back to the common good or public good. First, let people know the problem, understand the issues on a personal level then get into how they can help. I would ask, “how many times did you wish you would have helped someone but pass on the opportunity for one reason or the other”. Everyone should relate to that.
ReplyDeleteI personally think our blog will be quite effective in a rhetorical sense. We are all taking different approaches to health and the environment pertaining to CO. Ranging from alternative energy sources to more sustainable food options in Denver restaurants. Clay I like how u open your paper with a question. I feel like it grasps the attention of your reader by making them question their own beliefs. You introduce a lot of topics that you can potentially touch on to support your aurgument. However, i would warn you to make sure that you keep these points relevant to your aurgument and don't get caught up to much in just producing information for the sake of having information.
ReplyDeleteJosh: The easy part about your topic is the plethora of information you will have access to. In your second paragraph you make a lot of provacative statements, however u need information to support these claims to make them more valid. Due to the pressing issue of wether or not to legalize weed you will definitly have to make your point convincing to those who think it should be legalized. I think you have a good start and plenty to work with.