To help you practice revising your writing on a stylistic level, I’d like you to pick a (substantial) paragraph from any assignment you’ve completed thus far this quarter. (This includes your essay on stress and the high school student, or your first or second DenveRhetor posts.) Identify at least one—but no more than two—elements from today’s reading from Ancient Rhetorics and see if you can use them as you revise your paragraph’s style.
Here are three suggestions if you feel stuck on which element to practice:
First, if your language in this paragraph isn’t as clear and direct as it might be, consider re-writing it (sentence by sentence) to clarify or state more directly (and precisely) the ideas you’re trying to convey. Keep in mind our textbook’s suggestion to “use words in their ordinary and everyday sense” (330), or to avoid circumlocution.
Second, review your paragraph for appropriateness of style. Have you written it in too grand a style or too plain (to use our textbook’s classification)? If so, how could aim for a more appropriate level to your style considering your audience? For many of you, you should be writing at a high-middle level. That is, you’re writing for well-educated audiences, who are not specialists, but expect a thoughtful and semi-formal style.
Third, as you revise your paragraph you might focus on sentence composition. If you tend to use the same kind of sentence (simple, compound, complex, or compound-complex), then revise it to include a variety of sentence types. Or, if you want to have a bit more fun, write your paragraph using one kind of sentence exclusively. What happens if you all of your sentences are simple ones or complex? Then, once you see how this looks, go back and vary your sentence composition to achieve different effects.
Fourth, if you’re feeling more adventurous, pick a figure of language, figure of thought, or trope, to include in this paragraph. Identify a moment in your paragraph in which using such a figure would enhance the impression you’re giving to the reader not just for ornamentation’s sake, but in a way that will enhance your argument.
Once you finish revising this paragraph, post the original one and your revision here as a comment.
Original:
ReplyDeleteAnother key point has to do with the background of each student. First of all, the parents of today come from a generation where there was little to no emphasis on music and art in high schools. So most of the parents do not see the value in arts programs today, and these are the parents that do not send their children to the new schools for the arts that are popping up nationwide (Smith). Parents are rather more concerned about Ivy Leagues and often forget to listen to their own child’s input on his or her college plans. Remember in high school when our parents used to talk while at the parent board meetings and sort of have a competition to see whose kid got into the ‘best’ college? That seems so absurd to me. First of all, going to a prestigious college absolutely does not guarantee that a student will be successful in life. The success of any person has to do with his or her own will and motivation to follow his or her dreams to be successful in life. And school reform activist Patricia Guth knows that motivation and dedication comes from being well versed in the arts and music (Guth). Secondly, it seems that college has become such a status symbol for people and their families today. Our own parents fell victim to this status struggle as they fought to have a kid going to the most prestigious college. But did our parents ever really give us any option other than going to a prestigious college? No, and in fact, I felt so pressured in high school to get into more prestigious colleges than my friends that I never even took my interest in music into consideration. But Jimmy, your incoming students are already so burned out from the skewed ‘two-subject’ learning process that they are going to crash and burn without a break in the education system. Without music programs to spark creativity and provide an outlet for kids in high school they will lose dedication and burn out before they even consider applying to college.
Revised (I changed my audience):
Another key point has to do with the background of each student. Parents, you come from a generation where there was little emphasis on the arts in education. So it is possible that many of you do not see the value in arts programs today, and would, therefore, be reluctant to send children to the new schools for the arts that are popping up nationwide (Smith). It seems that parents are rather more concerned about Ivy Leagues and GPA’s and often forget to listen to their own child’s input on his or her college plans. I remember in high school when my parents used to talk with other parents while at the parent board meetings. My parents had a competition with others, flaunting the colleges that I got into, just to confirm that I had gotten into the ‘best’ college. As the one actually attending college, that seems so absurd to me. First of all, going to a prestigious college absolutely does not guarantee that a student will be successful in life. The success of any person has to do with his or her own will and motivation to follow his or her dreams to be successful in life. And school reform activist Patricia Guth knows that motivation and dedication comes from being well versed in the arts and music (Guth). Secondly, it seems that college has become such a status symbol for people and their families today. My parents feel victim to this ‘prestige’ struggle, and this seems to be true for many other parents I know. But did my folks ever really give me any option other than going to a prestigious college? No, and in fact, I felt so pressured in high school to get into more prestigious colleges than my friends that I never even took my interest in music into consideration. But incoming students are already so burned out from the skewed ‘two-subject’ learning process that they are going to crash and burn without a break in the education system. Without music programs to spark creativity and provide an outlet for kids in high school they will lose dedication and burn out before they even consider applying to college.
Previous:
ReplyDeleteFurthermore, the most experienced, most effective teachers are assigned the higher level classes such as AP or IB, where the students are already set to a higher standard and are more disciplined. Thus, the students that actually need the extra attention, and are lowering the school’s test scores are put on the backburner. This reality is unethical to say the least. Poor performing teachers are matched with unmotivated kids, reflecting the idea that students can be used as a punishment or negative reinforcement. In the end, this only reflects negatively on the school system as a whole when the scores of the “lower” student-teacher combos bring down the overall proficiency rating of the school. Ultimately this leads to less funding, squashing the hope of more successful teachers being provided for future years.
Edited:
Furthermore, the substantially more effective teachers, due to experience, are assigned to teachers higher level classes such as AP and IB. The students that are in these advanced classes are already set to a higher standard of work-load; likewise, they are more disciplined. Thus, the students in the lower or average classes that may need the extra attention are being put on the back-burner. This, more than anything else, is what causes schools’ test scores to plummet. Putting poor performing teachers with unmotivated students ultimately only reflects negatively on the school system as a whole. The “lower” student-teacher combos bring down the overall proficiency rating of the school. In the end, this leads to less funding, sufficiently squashing the hope of more successful teachers being provided to all students for future years.
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ReplyDeleteBefore:
ReplyDeleteWhen the presentation concluded, the general mood of the audience was of interest except for the students who had chosen to attend. The majority of Barclay’s arguments were based in social science knowledge, and for students such as myself, much of the background knowledge went over my head. I know the gist of the issue, but nothing of the activist judges and what exactly the roles they played in government. The staff and faculty that attended did ask questions pertaining to the clarification of some of his points, but none of the students asked questions. In order to improve his argument to audiences, Barclay should tailor his presentations to different types of audiences and educational backgrounds.
Revised:
The general mood of the audience was of interest when Barclay ended his presentation. The exception to this mood was the collection of students who had attended; since the majority of Barclay’s arguments were based in social science knowledge, the students had no background knowledge to rely on. I understood the general arguments but did not fully comprehend the entire issue. The staff and faculty that attended did ask questions pertaining to the clarification of some of his points, but none of the students asked questions. Barclay needs to tailor his arguments to different audiences to make his presentations more effective.
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ReplyDeleteGone are the days of leisurely shooting hoops with friends after school. Today, a high school student’s schedule looks much different with rigorous yet unfulfilling academics and an overload of extracurricular commitments meant to differentiate one from others on college applications. Even worse, adolescents in our community are under the misimpression that this is required to get into a college that will prepare them for a successful career. All of this has cumulated to the point where the stress our students face has reached an unhealthful level. We as a community must pursue changes in our education system at the local level in order to provide a model that the nation can follow in order to decrease the level of stress young people in our community face while improving the quality of the education they receive.
ReplyDeleteGone are the days of leisurely shooting hoops with friends after school. Today, a high school student’s routine is much different with overly rigorous academic course loads and extracurricular activities meant to help gain acceptance into prestigious colleges and universities. This has cumulated to an unhealthy amount of stress that high school students must face. As a community we must demand curriculum changes in order to decrease students’ stress while actually improving the quality of education they receive.
Original:
ReplyDeleteOn average the result of these activities reflect longer hours for the student to be awake, causing lack of sleep because of staying up until about 2:00 a.m. studying. This average of not sleeping is causing students to fall asleep in class, arriving late to school, feeling depressed, and even driving drowsy. (National Sleep Foundation, 2006). With the national survey, only 20% of teenagers get the recommended nine hours of sleep on school nights. With this type of information, it is fair to say, students are not only creating additional stress in their lives, but an abnormal routine is causing your students to not be retaining the information in class. Not only will the lack of sleep cause physical conditions, but also mental conditions, including having depression and possibly leading into suicidal thoughts or actions.
Revised: Complex sentences and Simple sentences
On average the with the activities of having a job, sports, club or family can reflect longer hours for the student to be awake, which will cause the student to be awake until 2:00 am studying or doing homework. Having to stay up until 2 am every night will cause the students to fall asleep in class, not showing up to class or showing up late, or even feeling depressed due to lack of sleep and feeling of failing because of the lack of sleep. Lack of sleep will cause physical condition and also mental conditions
I chose this paragraph to try my hand at clarity and simplicity. I tend to group things together and I feel in some cases I lose the connection I originally intended. I focused on using a few simple sentences to help me stay on track.
ReplyDeleteOld paragraph…
Regardless of the social standing, there are many contributing factors to the stresses felt by students in the educational systems. The easiest contributors to debate are the influences felt inside the system itself, but what about influences outside the system that cause our students to become overwhelmed and stressed? How much stress caused by their home life push our students away from achieving academic success? Are we, as parents promoting a healthy body and mind as they grow up to be responsible adults? What can we do to support our students in the most positive and encouraging manner possible?
New paragraph…
Stress has no bias. You can be rich, poor or anywhere in between and still deal with unmanageable stress. This is also true in our educational system. Students struggle in and out of the classroom and its time to take notice of these challenges.
Students’ lives include attending multiple classes, sports and other after school activities but their day doesn’t stop there. What are students dealing with when home for the evening? Are they receiving the proper support from you as parents and mentors?
Personally, my breaking point came on a Tuesday afternoon at 2:47 p.m. Yes, I had a melt down in my college counselor’s office. All of my friends were applying to Ivy League schools. I got mildly excited responses from teachers and parents when explaining my college choices. Most parental responses were the automated, “how exciting”, the response that that let you know that ultimately they were not impressed, but they still had to say something. My friends on the other hand were getting shrills of praise when listing their colleges of choice all located on the east coast. Sitting in a wooden chair with a mix of tears and mascara running down my face, my college counselor leaned in and said, “Ultimately, it does not matter what university you attend. What matters is what you do as a student at whichever university you end up at. Pick a campus where you will be happy and where you can make an impact”. As a high school senior in the middle of a complete meltdown from the stress of college decisions, I was given a piece of advice, which completely changed my perspective. Like many high school students, I had spent the last four years of my life making every decision in school based upon how college admissions officers would view it. As I thought about it more, I began to observe my classmates living every high school moment in a way in which they believed would get them into a specific university.
ReplyDeletePersonally, my breaking point came on a Tuesday afternoon at 2:47 p.m in my college counselor’s small, eight by ten foot office. I had a melt down. While all of my friends were applying to Ivy League schools, I got mildly excited responses from teachers and parents when explaining my college choices. Most parental responses were the automated, “how exciting”, the response that that let you know that ultimately they were not impressed, but they still had to say something. Their voices were filled with fake inflection to mask their disinterest. Parent praise mode instantly kicked in however as my friends were overwhelmed by shrills of praise when listing their colleges of choice, all conveniently located on the east coast. Sitting in a wooden chair with a mix of tears and mascara running down my face, my college counselor leaned in and said, “Ultimately, it does not matter what university you attend. What matters is what you do as a student at whichever university you end up at. Pick a campus where you will be happy and where you can make an impact”.
Knowing she was right, I replayed this advice in my head over and over to block out all the other voices of disappointment and slowed down my tears. As a high school senior in the middle of a complete meltdown from the stress of college decisions, I was given a piece of advice, which completely changed my perspective. As I thought about it further, my senses were heightened to my classmates living every high school moment in a way in which they believed would get them into a specific university.
Initial Paragraph: A table scattered with bite-sized cupcakes and informational pages greeted us as we arrived. A small intimate circle of no more than 20 people fit snugly in suite 1800 in the Driscol Bridge. We all gathered to hear two speakers give their tales of immigrating to the United States, and their thoughts on current immigration reform. Speaking was Richard Froude, a British immigrant in his eight year in the states currently applying for citizenship, joining Mr. Froude was Dr. Miguel de la Torre, an illegal immigrant from Cuba and now current United States citizen. Mr. Froude began the festivities with a quick recounting of the trials and tribulations of attempting to navigate living in America from visa to visa and attempting to gain duel citizenship. The keynote speaker was Dr. Miguel, who briefly touched on his experiences of immigrating, but focused more on highlighting the flaws with the current U.S. immigration policies. What ensued over the next 30 or so minutes was a very opinionated, radical, and one-sided presentation on the current front-page topic. With everything that happened in Arizona, and the new proposed immigration laws for Colorado, current discussions on immigration reform are obviously extremely relevant. The rhetorical situation was ideal, but it was Dr. Miguel’s emotional delivery that made his speech so persuasive.
ReplyDeleteRevised version: Dr. De La Torre
A table scattered with bite-sized cupcakes and informational pages greeted us as we arrived. A small intimate circle of no more than 20 people fit snugly in suite 1800 in the Driscol Bridge. We all gathered to hear two speakers give their tales of immigrating to the United States, and their thoughts on current immigration reform. Of course I’m aware that no concrete solutions are going to be provided in a 30-minute discussion on one of the countries most debate topics. Nevertheless, hearing multiple different points of view on Immigration allows the audience to begin to form an opinion on the topic. Speaking was Richard Froude, a British immigrant in his eight year in the states currently applying for citizenship, joining Mr. Froude was Dr. Miguel de la Torre, an illegal immigrant from Cuba and now current United States citizen. Mr. Froude began the festivities with a quick recounting of the trials and tribulations of attempting to navigate living in America from visa to visa and attempting to gain duel citizenship. The keynote speaker was Dr. Miguel, who briefly touched on his experiences of immigrating, but focused more on highlighting the flaws with the current U.S. immigration policies. What ensued over the next 30 or so minutes was a very opinioned, radical, and one-sided presentation on the current front-page topic. With everything that happened in Arizona, and the new proposed immigration laws for Colorado, current discussions on immigration reform are obviously extremely relevant. The rhetorical situation was ideal, but it was Dr. Miguel’s emotional delivery that made his speech so persuasive.
I focused on number 4, fixing the language and style of the paragraph.I focused on "figures of thought that involve audience" and more specifically on concession.
The audience for this article is easily identified. Harsanyi is speaking to the citizens of Denver. Harsanyi begins his argument by describing the situation and identifies exactly what it is that he is analyzing. This post has a very apparent kairos. The State of the Union address is a very important speech made every year by the president of the United States. This speech had just been given days before Harsanyi posted this piece in the Denver Post. The issue is very relevant to Harsanyi’s audience. Citizens of the United States have at least somewhat of an interest in the State of the Union address because it most often pertains to them directly. Harsanyi uses this kairotic moment to convey his opinion on the topic.
ReplyDeleteThe audience for this article is easily identified. Harsanyi is speaking to the citizens of Denver. His argument begins by describing the situation and by identifying exactly what he will be analyzing. The kairos of this paper is very apparent when looking at the topic. The State of the Union address is a very important speech made every year by the president of the United States. Days before Harsanyi posted this piece in the Denver Post, President Obama gave his State of the Union address and broadcasted this speech to all televisions throughout the United States. This issue is very relevant to Harsanyi’s audience. Citizens of the United States have at least somewhat of an interest in the State of the Union address because it most often pertains to them directly. Harsanyi uses this kairotic moment to convey his opinion on the topic.
Original:
ReplyDeleteMalcolm X’s “Message to the Grass Roots” had a lasting and meaningful effect on Civil Rights movement. In his speech he gave us an in-depth view to the radical side of the Civil Rights Movement. Through the motivational words and forceful tone in his speech he showed us his rhetorical use of ethos and pathos. He then demonstrated that it motivated the audience to make a change and start a revolution. The speech then effectively responded to the situation surrounding it by giving the audience hope that even with the Southern Christian Leadership Conference in trouble, they can still continue on the path towards racial justice. Most importantly, through his speech he was trying to get people to take more immediate action.
Revised:
Malcolm X’s “Message to the Grass Roots” created a lasting and meaningful effect on Civil Rights movement. In the speech he showed us an in-depth view to the radical side of the Civil Rights Movement. He then established his ethos as a leader through the use of motivational words and a forceful tone in his speech and in turn invoked pathos within the audience through the stories he told. He then demonstrated that it motivated the audience to make a change and start a revolution. In the speech Malcolm X then effectively responded to the situation surrounding it by giving the audience hope that even with the Southern Christian Leadership Conference in trouble, they can still continue on the path towards racial justice. Most importantly, through his speech he was trying to get the people to take more immediate action.
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ReplyDeleteOriginal:
ReplyDeleteExtracurricular activities are an important part of growing up and teach adolescents many life lessons. American students are playing baseball and soccer while their Asian competition is representing the math club and the science bowl (Becerra). Once again our priorities in America are quite possibly hindering the academic success of our youth. The areas that we push our kids to succeed may be limiting their focus in other, arguably more important areas. While physical fitness has many benefits, promoting young athletes to spend more time in the gym than they do on their homework is going to stunt their academic growth. To put American kids back on the charts of being exceptional students we need to reconsider where our priorities are for our kids.
New:
There are obvious benefits to participating in extracurricular activities throughout high school. Experiences outside of the classroom shape young individuals into the adults that they will become. The issue today is that sports are transforming our kids from student-athletes to athlete-students. With practice six days a week and games throughout there is little time left for these athletes to be students. The benefits from extracurricular activities are lost when they take over our children’s lives and they lose sight of what is important. International students are experiencing the benefits of extracurricular activities while continuing to stay focused on their academics (Becerra). The priorities that we are implementing on our high school students are adding stress in areas that they are not meant to be stressful, and are arguably less important. Realistically how many of our kids are going to become professional athletes? If we are not expecting them to make a future out of these activities then they should not take president over academics which we expect to prepare our future generation for the rest of life, yet they are.
Original:
ReplyDeleteIn order to fully understand the current situation concerning youth (specifically high school students) and stress, it is very important to first come to realize the ever changing definition of the word “success.” Many people are unaware of the fluidity of this word and its dynamic definition throughout the years. Recently, at least in the past fifty years, the idea of success has largely concentrated on this concept of accumulated wealth. One could easily blame this phenomenon on the advent of the industrialized age, specifically with the dawn of the Industrial Revolution. During this period of time there was a very distinct shift from working to survive to working to thrive. Historically, this age brought about the opportunity for not just labor, but set the framework for knowledge power, enabling a distinct difference in classes throughout the United States: those who designed the machines and those who operated them, or as Marx would call these people the bourgeoisie (those who own the machines, and therefore own the capital) and the proletariat (those who only own their labor as a source of personal capital). This, knowledge power, is where stress in high school originates.
Revision, in simple sentences:
It is very important to understand the changing definition of the word “success.” This enables one to fully understand the current situation concerning high school students and stress. Many people are unaware of the fluidity of this word. Many people are unaware of its dynamic definition throughout the years. In the past fifty years, the idea of success has largely concentrated on the idea of accumulated wealth. One can blame this on the Industrial Revolution. It shifted work. People once worked to survive. People now work to thrive. This age brought about the opportunity for more than labour. It set the framework for knowledge power. This enabled a distinct difference in class throughout the United States. Marx called these the bourgeoisie and the proletariat. The former are those who own machines. They own capital too. The later are those who operate the machines. They only own their labor. Knowledge power is where high school stress originates.
Original: When Dr. de La Torre presented our group with this scenario it invoked a lot of different emotions. Especially when he said that there have been over 3600 deaths trying to cross our boarder and this number could easily be underestimated by 60%. However, when he was asked for his personal opinion on how to fix these problems he had no solution. This was quite disappointing because he grasped the attention of the entire audience through his pathos but, didn’t deliver a final all inclusive solution.
ReplyDeleteNew: When asked to imagine ourselves in this same predicament it invoked a lot of different emotions amongst our small group. Especially when he said that there have been over 3600 deaths trying to cross our boarder and this number could easily be underestimated by 60%. Emotions from shock to complete and utter horror could be seen on the faces of those present. However, when we asked Dr. de La Torre for his personal opinion on how to fix these problems he had no solution. The culmination of his argument was a complete flop at this point. Facial expressions went from enthralled and captivated by his stories to very disinterested. Hypocritical is too strong a word but, he lost some of his validity when he had no answer to fix the problems for the people he helps. It is admirable to help these people but, if he is trying to take the next step and help future generations he should start to think and develop a solution. If not for the sake of proving to the people he talks to that he has a solution.