Monday, February 28, 2011
Summarizing the feedback you received, looking ahead to your revision
When you finish discussing all three posts, please write a summary of the feedback that your peers gave you and post it to our course blog. In this summary, I would like you to identify 2-3 features of your post that are especially effective in this draft, and 2-3 features that need further work, and explain why they’re effective or not. As you look ahead to completing your final draft, what revisions will you prioritize as a writer?
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The audience for this blog post are both people who oppose and approve of the budget cuts in education. The challenge for this is that the author must appeal to both sides without making one side hostile or uninterested. The author tries to accomplish this by first introducing the status of Colorado’s budget and the large chunk of the budget that education takes up. The cut is introduced as necessary but difficult to adapt to due to the non-flexibility of school districts and government.
ReplyDeleteThe writer establishes her ethos by quoting and using sources that show the budgets of Colorado and other states and the measures that they have had to take on education cuts. The issue is presented as a documented, researched essay that gives much background into the effects of education cuts. This evidence supports the author’s claims and helps bring both audiences together.
The author must focus in on what the main claim is; while it is a rough draft, the writer is still focused on the claims and data of the issue. The next step to this is to narrow on the main point and conclude with extrinsic proofs. I can see that the main point is being approached, but the author must be looking at connecting the previously shown evidence with a main point halfway through the body of the paper. I don’t know if the body and evidence should be moved around so that the main claim comes much earlier in the blog post.
Today’s peer review was extremely helpful. Skylar and George did a really good job telling me what worked and what did not work in this piece so far. They said that the extrinsic proofs used and the main argument was solid. The facts used to counter argue many of the counter opinions to this programs was effective. However, while I have almost a skeleton of a piece, it is time to add appeals to pathos and some voice to the piece. While I do no have much personal experience with this program or those who are using the service, I think a touching story would work well in this piece. My plan is to either find a testimony, in Colorado or nationally. If I cannot find this kind of story, I can use average ages and demographics to fabricate a plausible story to take the reader through the life and mentality of a person using this program. Also, taking a suggestion from my group, talk about how Colorado is a very progressive state when it comes to social legislation and that we are almost behind the curve on this issue. As I move forward on this piece, I will need to think further about a specific audience that I am writing to and try to tailor my argument further to this audience.
ReplyDeleteThe main claim is that whether or not the audience feels that obesity is a 'choice' it is still a health risk that many people battle today.
ReplyDeleteGeorge liked the connection I made between humans helping every animal when an oil spill happens, but lack the same compassion for someone who may be overweight. This is an appeal to pathos and allows to reader to realize how odd it is that humans are so quick to help animals regardless of their species, or weight for that matter, but refuse to care about the obese.
Lauren was particularly shocked about the calorie values I gave for a normal McDonald’s meal. The fact is that one normal meal from McDonald’s contains almost an entire day’s worth of calorie intake, and even Lauren said she ‘really doesn’t want to get fast food any time soon.’
Lauren found the statistics on the number of fast food restaurants per 100,000 people to be interesting, but would like to see the comparison statistics between Colorado and other states, rather than just Colorado.
George would like to see a blatant appeal to pathos, maybe in a story about an obese person and the hardships he/she may struggle with on a daily basis. He also thinks it would benefit my paper by adding in information on how much obese people affect the amount that we all pay i.e. health care and how the health risks of these people fill hospital beds.
Lauren would further like to see a statistic on how much exactly a basic gym membership costs, and whether or not this is affordable for anyone, especially lower class people.
My group informed me that I need to work on my target audience. I have a vague idea in terms of I know who I am not trying to talk to. I am not trying to contact those who might be deemed the bleeding hearts or the priests, who believe in completely altruistic reasons for helping people. I suppose I am trying to contact those who are more economical in their thinking, those who believe in profit.
ReplyDeleteI know that I tend to think more logically rather than trying to think along the lines of emotional reasons why I should help people. I suppose that this would be a good way to establish my ethos.
I do think that I need to come up with solutions to the problems rather than why helping homeless people is economically sound. I also think that it would be important to talk about the recession and its effects on the traditionally conservative beliefs of “trickle-down” theory and people donating money.
I also need to just fix a little bit of the flow and try to come up with a few more reasons as to why it is economically sound to help those who are in need. Also from listening to others, I feel that it might be beneficial to bring in the effects of homelessness on the youth and those effects on the economy as well as the need for businesses to care. Not to completely steal the ideas from my group members, but I believe it to be important.
I started my argument with facts on homeless. I was told to not start with that because it could start with a lot of information at one time. I should start with how my job ties into my view on the homeless. I work as a paramedic on the night shift so I see a lot of homeless people and see what they do at night. I should start my argument with my job so it catches the readers. I was told that I have good facts in each paragraph and did well at bringing in the 14th and 8th Amendments. Also I found out that I repeat “local communities” and not stating what those local communities are. I should give examples of these local communities. Which community has the higher homeless population? The main changes that I need to make are to catch the readers at the start of the argument and explain the facts that were stated in the first paragraph. Give examples of the “local communities” in the Denver area, (i.e Colfax Ave, down town, Aurora east and southeast).
ReplyDeleteMy peer reviewers gave me some constructive feedback that will help me develop a stronger paper. Firstly, they encouraged me to further develop my appeal to pathos. Perhaps, I will add a heartfelt story about a starving child. Whatever it takes to “move” my audience. Also, they encouraged me to expand upon some of the powerful statistics I included near the end of my draft. And as far as ethos goes, they suggested I find and discuss a personal connection that I have to hunger. While I have never faced hunger myself, I could write about how increasing food costs have affected my family and our shift to cheaper, less healthy foods in response to the economic hardship of recent years. I will prioritize pathos and logos as I continue writing my paper.
ReplyDeleteIn my summary I feel like i did a good job establishing my point of view towards solar energy and its benefits to Colorado as a whole. My peers told me that I did a good job relating my topic to Colorado and having a focused idea. I felt that my source from the denver post about Xcel energy cutting subsidiary costs to solar energy was a good source to support how solar needs to continue to be pushed to the forefront not the backburner. My last paragraph for this rough draft( which is currently incomplete) compares solar energy to oil. This paragraph i need to find more empirical evidence supporting why solar energy is better. For example finding estimated fossil fuel emissions for denver for the past year, and the number of barrels of oil shipped to denver annually. So i need to show the negative effects of using fossil fuels as a primary source of energy to further support solar energy. I will also need to add something about the progression of solar energy cells and where/what the future holds for solar energy. Another point that i will make will be if solar energy can become a self-sufficient energy source that it will help global relations because we will not be relying on foreign oil sources from the middle east. I feel that after i talk about the progression of solar energy, the future of solar, economically beneficial aspects of solar, and how it could help global relations i will have a strong rhetorical argument.
ReplyDeleteThe most effective proof in my paper is my use of pathos. I appeal to the audience who cares about people and children and their wellbeing. My audience is also people who could be interested in helping the homeless population and joining an organization. Though I have identified my audience, I need to make this more apparent in my paper. When writing my paper, I didn’t have a set audience. I now need to focus on gearing my arguments in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteAnother strength of my paper is the use of extrinsic evidence. I mention a few organizations that help the homeless and exactly how this is done and the impacts it makes. I also use a quote from a man who used to be homeless. This helps with my ethos in a way, however this is another thing that I need to establish. I don’t talk about why I have any authority to speak about this topic, so I need to tie that into my post as well. When speaking about the organizations I can add in my own opinions, which will allow me to create my ethos.
Relating back to the common good is another problem that I have in this paper. This should be a fairly easy problem to fix. Along with creating an ethos when commenting on the organizations, I can expand on how these organizations impact the common good. I can also say how being part of these organizations can impact the volunteer. This would be relevant because of the audience I am targeting.
My peer revoiewers were very helpful. The reviewers told me that I did a great job making it Colorado specific. My whole post was on Colorado as a state, and my facts and quotes were colorado based. They said I used good sources with my best coming from Colorado Local Sustainability. i need to work on continuing to build upon my main points and expand on my section on Colorado health. We talked about how I'm going to expand on the flaws of many states "organic" evaluation and how colorado should base its organic standard on California. The issue of price came up, because as we all know eating locally and sustainably is more expensive. What I need to do is show that if a movement can be made the greater demand will lead to a decrease in price, which will make it a more reasonable business plan.
ReplyDeleteMy blog post is homelessness and the affects on businesses. I started my draft discussing a possible solution and start to build an argument around why business owners should consider this idea. I haven’t gone into detail about how server the problem in the downtown area is and I haven’t really established any connection with the argument except to mention, “As a business owner, I think…” My audiences for this blog are the business owners in the affected and surrounding areas where homelessness is most evident.
ReplyDeleteThe peer review was very helpful. I realized most of what was commented on before the peer review but we were still able to discuss some important points that will help me in the end. I haven’t found much proofs for the discourse of my argument but have a little experience with what my argument overall. Liam and the professor gave me some suggestions of resources, which could give me some information regarding the different discourse in the areas.
I haven’t formed a proper thesis and/or haven’t stated it clear enough in the beginning of the piece. I also need to reorganize my points once I form a better ethos. I need to describe my place in the argument so the reader understands the relevance of the solution and how this would affect my business and me. Using this to create a commonplace with the audience.
Overall my piece had a promising start. I made my claim about bullying and education clear. My claim was that the school’s board and the communities need to spend more and or money preventing the issue of bullying within schools. It made some good points. The best point that I made was that the issue as I see it is that legislation has been passed to try and halt the issue of bullying within schools, however bullying is still happening. Lastly, I had a fairly well structured piece. In my piece I had a clear beginning, middle and end. In my piece I also flowed from pint to point and issue to issue. However, there are defiantly some parts of paper that needed to work on. I need to include more facts and statics to back up my points. Appeal more to the authority figures or principle in my piece. Make sure after I make those claims that I show what I think needs to be implemented to stop bullying. Furthermore, make more appeals to ethos, pathos and maybe even logos. I really need to expand on my ideas to further stop bullying and my appeals. In my piece I need to take the issue of bullying and make it relevant. Most importantly I need to take the issue and bring it to the attention of the public.
ReplyDeleteThe peer revision that we did today helped me to focus my revisions. The things that I need to work on are producing more support for my argument. The extrinsic evidence that I will need to find should be more from personal opinions that will highlight the negative affect that Medical Marijuana has on our society. The health factors for Marijuana can be better scrutinized by analyzing the psychological effects and the effects on memory. By acknowledging the opposite side I can engage the part of my audience that support medical marijuana. I have made a good claim so far by trying to propose negative effects of marijuana and the benefits of more traditional prescribed drugs. The gateway effect of marijuana was a good way for me to gather support for my anti-marijuana opinion. The focus for this paper needs to remain on the effect that medical marijuana has on society. I need to discuss that it does has benefits for those who are ill and are experiencing a lot of pain. When presenting this point I must remember to not let it take from my argument against the social downfalls of medical marijuana. By bringing in an example from an athlete who has been caught using marijuana and the effect of their influence on society I think that I can use that to support the negative effects that marijuana has, and further support the evidence of the recreational use.
ReplyDeleteMy summary of the health care debate in general is well done because it presents both sides of the debate in America, but I need to localize the issue to Denver in specific. To achieve this I’m going to find extrinsic evidence pertaining to Denver such as quoting Colorado politicians. I have a good amount of extrinsic evidence to support my arguments, such as quotes from republicans and the Congressional Budget Office but I am going to find more evidence supporting the opposing side, such as Coloradoans’ testimonies regarding the benefits that they receive due to Obama’s health care reform. This will help me seem unbiased to the audience and appeal to ethos as well as hopefully persuade readers from the opposing side of the debate. Most importantly, I am going to change my style of writing in order to engage my audience, both republicans and democrats. Particularly, in my introduction I plan on starting my paper by stating a ridiculous myth regarding “Obama-care” and then proceed to disprove the myth and then leading into the major arguments surrounding the debate. Furthermore, I am going to find more sources in order to diversify my arguments and logically disprove the opposing side of the debate.
ReplyDelete